For the record, I do have genitals. They are functional and aesthetically pleasing.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Interview with Satan
Peter Jennings: Good day, ladies and gentlemen. Today, I am here with a well-known, influential being that has been known throughout time. He goes by many names, has many guises, but most know him as the “devil”.
Jennings turns to his guest.
Good afternoon. What name would you like to use for today’s interview?
Satan: Satan will do. I’m not into formalities and such. Thanks for this opportunity, Peter.
Satan smiles, revealing a set of perfect teeth. His dark hair is slicked back, not a hair out of place. His charcoal gray pinstripe suit is wrinkle-free and is of the finest material. He sits casually, one leg crossed, hands sitting politely in his lap.
Jennings: Good, let’s get started then. First things first: Why the name “Satan”? That is a widely known name, one that has proven to last the test of time.
Satan: Well, it was a name that a group of Jews called me when telling their children about me and of the place I live. It was more popular before technology flourished, though. Nowadays, children and such call me Devil. I like Satan, though. It sounds more devious.
He grins widely.
I have a more formal name I use in Hell, but I’m not using that one on Earth for awhile yet. Give it a few decades…
Jennings: And what of your original name? Your name in the Bible from your days in Heaven?
Satan: Lucifer? Oh, boy. I rarely go by that name now. Only when I’m in disguise or something of the sort. Much too old fashioned for me.
Satan waves his hand off, as if trying to rid himself of his “heavenly” name.
Though, I wish Beelzebub would make a comeback. That one always worked on the ladies.
Jennings: Tell me and our readers about your brief time in Heaven.
Satan: Well, first off, let’s say that it wasn’t like what people think it is now. I’m not sure what it’s like now, but back then, there was no glitz and glamour about the place. It was actually kind of dull. Everyone just went around singing God’s “praises” and shit. All of the “hallelujahs” and “hosannas” got on my nerves. The whole place just reminded me of the New York train station, without the trains, clocks, and people.
Jennings: And what sparked you and the others who were your followers to leave?
Jennings looks at Satan, curiosity burning in his eyes.
Satan: Well, first, you’ve got to know that everyone there was under a tight leash. Everywhere you turned; there was a roadblock of rules or regulations. I mean, the night before I left, God banned having any kind of adornment. We weren’t even allowed clothes. Technically, we didn’t need them, but I am a creature of style. But what really got me was that he wanted us to go for half a millennia just shouting “Abba”. Please. Talk about a big head.
A frown grows on Satan’s brow and he grimaces at his memories.
Jennings: Interesting…Moving along, do you have any kind of pets?
Satan: Why, yes I do. I have a cocker spaniel-poodle mix named Biscuits. I have pictures…
Satan pulls a wallet from his back pocket and shows Jennings half a dozen pictures of a black and brown cockapoo.
Jennings: Adorable. I have a black lab. Her name is Lucy.
Satan: Really? My ex-wife’s name is Lucy!
Jennings: You were married? Who is this Lucy?
Satan: Ah, Lucy was a perfect angel. I’d rather not talk about her at the moment, though.
Jennings: I see. Oh, here are pictures of my Lucy…
Jennings pulls his wallet and shows several snap shots of a playful puppy.
Jennings: Do you believe that there is an Antichrist?
Satan: Not really. But, honestly, I think it’s all a hoax made by the Christians. They’re just labeling my son Greg that way because he is my son. He’s a perfectly good teenage boy. I know he won’t be taking over Hell when I retire. I think that will go to my cousin Adolf.
Jennings: As in Adolf Hitler?
Satan: Yes, of course. We don’t like to spread it around, but we are related.
Jennings nods in understanding.
Jennings: What is Hell really like? Are the tales of fire and eternal damned nation true?
Satan: For the love of fuzzy bunnies! There is no fire in Hell! Except for those who fear it, that is. Hell is whatever you make it out to be. For some, there is fire, for others there is a tidal wave. All of the suffering is in the being’s head. Every punishment that is given is nothing but a mind game. None of it truly exists. If you were there, and you would have to decide you’d had enough of, say, Celine Dion, and then all you’d have to is rise above it and the torturing would end. No one has succeeded yet.
Jennings: What is Hell like for you? Pardon the term, but is it your own version of “heaven”?
Satan: Never mind the phrase. In a way, Hell is like my own paradise. Though, I wouldn’t think of it like a tropical one like most human do. It is more like a haven where everything I need is present.
Jennings: Satan, were there any major events in human history that you caused?
Satan: Of course. You know of Sodom and Gomorrah, yes? That was me, although they really didn’t need my push. They were a bad lot to begin with. Both World Wars were because of me. Adolf helped with the second, though. I always make sure to give him credit there. Operation Iraqi Freedom comes to mind…
A look of shock crosses Jennings’ face.
Kidding! No, that idiot Bush did that all on his own. I couldn’t have done better myself. Then there were a few that time has forgotten. No one would remember those…
Jennings: What is your favorite color?
Satan: I’m very partial to green. Red is so 5000 B.C.
Jennings: Favorite vacation spot?
Satan: I won’t say where, exactly. I don’t want bloodthirsty Catholics after my tail. But I do love Europe. The regional foods are excellent.
Jennings: You said earlier that you had a son?
Satan: Yes. Greg is a wonderful son. He’s eighteen and looks just like his mother. Like I said earlier, he’s not cut out to be the ruler of Hell. He’s more like his mother there too.
Jennings: What was Jesus like?
Satan: That crybaby? Well, he was nice enough. But he was one of the biggest airheads there was back then. Mention God around him and he got cockier than a rooster. You’d think he was the one who was the creator of the Universe or something. The guy was only good at three things: charming the ladies, miracles, and carpentry. Plus, he told a good joke or two.
Jennings: If you could go back and change anything, what would it be?
Satan: Hmmm…excellent question. I’d have to say that I wouldn’t have cheated in that poker game against Tim McVeigh. I felt bad about making him clean my bathroom.
Jennings: If you could meet anyone, even if you already have, who would it be?
Satan: I’d probably meet Lucy again. She was the light of my life. Then again, I wouldn’t want to put her through the pain of God smiting her for falling for me. She was a beautiful angel.
Jennings: Is there any way for us to know if anyone famous is going to Hell soon?
Satan: Well, Bill Gates has always gotten on my nerves…I’m giving him a special place.
Satan does his best to keep an innocent face, but his eyes gleam impishly.
Jennings: One last question. Do you watch American Idol?
Satan: Of course! I’m a co-producer! I’m under a pseudonym, of course. I loved Kelly but I wish I could have gotten rid of Clay when I had the chance. The guy’s a fruit! I’m hoping for Chris this season.
Jennings: Well, that should do it for us today. I’m very happy to have met you and I’m glad you agreed to our interview.
Satan: No, no! Thank you. It was a pleasure!
The two men stand and shake hands, exchanging email.
Satan: Oh, by the way, Peter! Your grandma says hi!